Dark Night

I just wanted a family. A husband and children, nothing more.

But God has rotted my uterus. And men... See me nothing more than a whore.

And I think about faith: I used to doubt my faith. And a priest once asked me, " Do you believe in God? Do you believe in Jesus Christ, the he came down from heaven was born of the Virgin Mary and died for the forgiveness of your sins? Do you believe in eternal life?" I replied, "yes." And the priest said, "then you have faith."

But what if none of that matters to you anymore? I still believe in the doctrine. I just don't care anymore. What of my faith then? Is that faith? When after giving up everything for God and trying to follow His will, and giving up all secular desire of money, success, esteem, and the only thing I yearn for, all that I long for is a good man who loves me and children whom we adore, and that dream is ripped from my heart and trampled on the ground...

Two days ago, I was at adoration, and I prayed and pleaded, after a most painful violation of trust, how Lord can I abandon this desire? A desire I thought was Divine will, that over and over seems frustrated. How can I let go, when the thought of such hopelessness would be a death for me?

This morning I ended up in the hospital. My womb and organs are poisoned and useless.

Thus is God's answer...

So what of forgiveness of sin and eternal life? When God has stolen my will to love or live...